This song is about the fear I felt when I was on the brink of losing the love of my life to my own selfishness and jealousy. Mixing and Instrumentals performed by Maximum Force. maximumforce.bandcamp.com
I find it so hard to hide the grimace of heartache that pops up on my face every single time I stop to think about how we would lace our fingers together out of hopes of making each other feel safe.
What happened to those days?
Days we would spend in each other's presence, one without the other present, but always presented prominently upon the screens of our cell phones.
Where did those better times go?
The time we spent alone entwined in the vines we called each other's arms. The last thing I ever intended was to cause you harm. And that's still true, but I'll never get the chance to prove it to you.
I lost your trust and my place in your life. I ended up being the cause of your strife, so I chose to go. You would be better off if I were alone. But you laughed it off and told me "no." I guess I'll stay if you say so.
What happened to us?
When did we start losing trust?
When did we go from being the happiest couple in the Regal 20 parking lot, to having nothing left but the clothes on our backs, and these holes in our hearts? When did all the constant migraines start?
And how am I supposed to let everything go when I'm the one who can't leave you alone? I let everyone close to me go, and for reasons neither you nor they will ever know. And now I have nothing left to show.
For all of the meaningless accomplishments that only ever meant anything to me. Trophies my family will never see. My grandmother would be so proud of me, if only she could see. But it's all gone now. There's nothing left for me.
My heart in shambles, my mind torn to shreds. It's been two weeks since I've even gotten out of bed. I just lie here, resting my head, and lying to myself that it's all your fault instead of mine.
All I need is any sign. Just a glimmer of hope that I won't ever have to let you go. I just want you to let me know that I am loved, and you're mine to hold. Without you, everything's so cold.
So just let me know.
Let me know when it's time to let go.
Let me know.
So I can hold on tighter than I ever have before.
I'm betting now you realize just how much damage you've done. Hands tinged black from the ash from the fire that you started when you burned me to the ground. You paint that black across my eyes, so now I can't even see the sun. I never planned on hurting you but you don't share that virtue, so now I'll make an exception, and break my vow to never desert you.
We always promised a forever friendship, but after all of this constant bullshit, I feel that ending our relationship means cutting each other off completely. You know that's not what I wanted. I wanted to give you one last chance. An opportunity to show me just how important I really am, If that's even something you can do. So far you haven't been able to.
So I'll just let it go.
Why do I always have to be the one to let go?
I've been chasing clouds of cigarette smoke, hoping the tendrils will spell out words to write down on scraps of paper to share with you when the time comes. I got some of the hot ash in my hair. It's singed. I can smell the sulfur in the air. It reeks of the love we once shared. A feeling lost and broken, since you weren't there. That's why I started smoking.
I've never been good enough for you, myself, or anyone. Spent months alone thinking of all the better I could've done. But I was selfish to believe that it could ever be just you and me. It tears me apart just to see our broken hearts carved into that oak tree.
Of all the days you could've chosen, you chose the one I wasn't broken to come inside, the door was open, and make me think it was worth hoping for a better time. A better life. A day for just you and I just to make me realize that I'm all alone regardless.
I love you more than you know. Probably more than I should. You would be happier elsewhere. I'm sorry that I couldn't take you there. And I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't be. I'm sorry that I couldn't be more. More than just a memory.
released May 18, 2017
Vocals: Cris Trejo
Instrumentals: Joe Teresi/Maximum Force
Final Mix: Joe Teresi/Maximum Force
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